Secret Identity
Note: This is the play I won first place in the Amateur Division of the InstaPlay. I only had 90 minutes to write it, so it's not amazing but I like it. I actually didn't finish the play, so there's a point where you'll find "***"- That marks the original ending. All I've done here is transcribe the script with minimal edits (mostly just chaning one of the characters names from Jayde to Jade, because that second spelling was part of a plot point I had already decided to drop before finishing the play, and then I've finished of the play after the asterixes. Enjoy!
(“Gerald”, a middle aged man – out of shape and more or less burnt out – sits on a park bench. He holds a bag of bread crumbs and throws them haphazardly onto the ground. Billy, a young man wearing a suspiciously cumbersome trench coat wanders around. He spots “Gerald” and carefully observes him.)
B: Do I know you?
G: (After a long penetrating glare) Don’t know where you’d get that idea.
B: Right. Okay. Just, uh, checking.
G: Right.
(Billy stands, unable to think of how to continue. “Gerald” throws some more bread crumbs. There’s quite a mess by this point.)
B: You know, you should really stop that.
G: Stop what?
B: What you’re doing. With the – what is that anyway?
G: Breadcrumbs.
B: Right, breadcrumbs. Uh, yeah. Please stop. You’re making a mess. That’s litter.
G: Is it now?
B: Yeah, it is. Please stop, before I have to, uh…
G: What will you have to do?
B: (He takes a moment to gather himself) Something we’ll both regret. Don’t push me old man!
G: (Another stage. Billy’s bravado drops) First of all, I’m not an old man. I’m 43. I’ve got decades left. Secondly, it’s not litter. I’m feeding the birds.
(“Gerald” returns to sprinkling his crumbs. Billy looks around.)
B: There aren’t any birds.
G: There will be.
B: There haven’t been any birds since
G: You don’t understand son. There will be birds. Eventually.
B: Right. Well, why don’t you just hold off with the mess there until they show up. Because you’ve really made a mess now and I can’t just ignore it.
G: Why would that be?
B: Because I have a responsibility to this park.
G: Is that so.
B: Yes it is.
G: Don’t you have anything better to do?
B: Well – uh – no.
G: You’ve got this whole park and there is NOTHING for you to do other then bother an old man who just wants to be left alone?
B: You just said that you weren’t an old –
G: I come here for a little peace and quiet and instead I get harassed because some little punk thinks I’m littering. Litter! And that’s the best you’ve got to do! Why don’t you just – I don’t know – go play on the swings or something?
B: Littering is a CRIME.
(At this last word “Gerald” gives Billy the ultimate stare down. Something is boiling inside him)
G: A crime? A CRIME???
(The throws his bag of breadcrumbs a Billy, rising to deliver his impassioned harangue)
G: Don’t talk to me about crime! I know everything there is to know! And if there’s anything you need to know it is that I would never commit a crime in a million years! I took a vow many years ago, a vow that I have never broken, a vow to defend the innocent, to protect the weak and to punish all evil doers! With my right hand I carried a million babies from burning homes and with my left I valiantly smote a million arsonists! With my right leg I kicked and toppled down a billion despots and with my left I saved a zillion galaxies by punting them away form harm! One of my eyelashes has stopped more “crime” then you’ve ever seen or are likely to see in your whole life! And that’s AMAZINGLY unlikely because of ME! For I am the fantastic, the might and awesome-
(Billy, who has been in shock since being hit by the breadcrumbs lets out a yell as he throws off his trench coat to reveal his outfit: Wrist bands, short shorts, a pair of beat up running shows and a jersey with the letters “RM” on the front. He quickly puts on a sweatband on his head and raises a water bottle)
B: ASSUALT!
(He quickly chugs back the water, and pulls out an MP3 player which he attaches to his armband and puts a pair of ear buds in his ears. He quickly beings running in the spot, “faking” several attacks on “Gerald”)
G: What the hell do you think you’re-
B: Villain, prepare to meet your doom! For today, today you have met RUNNING MAN!
G: Sweet Jesu-
B: I warned you, but you didn’t listen! Well, now you have to face my wrath! Prepare for a marathon beating!
(“Gerald” casually stands, brushes himself off, ignoring Billy’s increasingly frantic feints. He flicks Billy, who tumbles wildly offstage.)
B: Owwww!
Woman’s Voice: Was that really necessary?
(“Gerald” turns around as Ethel enters, a middle aged woman who is more or less his female counterpart physically. She shakes her head with disapproval.)
E: You could have killed the poor kid you know.
G: But I didn’t.
E: No, you didn’t did you.
G: I still follow my vow Ethel.
E: I know Ga-
G: Gerald.
E: Alright then. Gerald, I know that’s still important to you. What about the part that says “defend the innocent”?
G: He was being a jerk.
E: Really.
G: I was just trying to feed the birds.
E: Not that again! And what about protecting the weak? That kid didn’t deserve that “Gerald”, and you know it.
G: I guess you’re right.
(A young girl, Jade, in her teens, enters. She looks younger then she is and wears tomboyish clothes. She looks around for somebody.)
J: Billy! Billy? (She spots Ethel and “Gerald”) Hey, have you guys seen my brother?
G: That depends. Does your brother look like he dressed himself from a “Running Room” in the 70s?
J: That’s totally him.
G: I think he’s passed out by the tree over there.
J: Thanks man! (She sprints off)
E: Listen, we should probably get back home. We’re not exactly unknown and with you tossing people left and right…
G: No way. I came here to feed the birds and that is just what I’m going to do.
E: Great. Well, you just let me know how that turns out for you. (She goes to leave)
G: Wait! … I could use the company.
E: Alright. (She sits) You know, those breadcrumbs were for stuffing.
G: The birds need it more.
E: Do they now.
G: It’s a peace offering.
E: Why do you need to make a peace offering?
G: Because I made a mistake. It was wrong of me, and I want to make up for it.
E: And are you going to make things up to that kid?
G: He was really being annoying.
E: That’s an awful excuse and you know it.
G: I guess so. Still, what do you want me to do?
E: I can think of a few things. Anyway, here he comes so think fast.
(Jade and Billy re-enter, Jade holding up her brother. Billy looks pretty messed up.)
B: Get out of here Jade, I need to handle this on my own. Running Man fights his own fights!
J: I’m sure it was all just a misunderstanding, limping man.
B: This old guy needs to learn that litter isn’t a victimless crime! And I’m going to teach him that lesson! Lady, get out of the way.
E: Calm down son.
J: Wait a sec. Are you… And you! Oh- ohmigod! Billy, this guys just flicked you all the way to the other side of the field, right?
B: A lucky shot! Musta, uh, been really strong wind or something.
J: Billy you’re such an idiot. Wait right here! (She runs off)
G: Where is she going?
B: She knows when there’s going to be a rumble. Now old man, we finish this.
E: Hold up there cowboy. Mind if I ask was the getup is for?
B: I’m… I’m a super hero. Duh.
G: And what are your powers?
B: I can… uh… Listen, Batman didn’t need powers!
E: So you run around the park, protecting it from crime, with no powers.
B: Uh. More of less.
E: How’s that worked out for you?
B: Well, not so hot. I mean, in order to get the drop on bad guys, I need to wear that coat and it gets SO hot. And after months or wandering around the park with no crime… I guess I got a little carried away.
G: A little?
B: But I wanted to fight crime so bad! I want to be a hero! But there’s just no crime anymore.
E: Oh, we know.
G: You know why that is son? Because a little duo called Wonderful Man and Amazing Girl fought crime for 15 years and finally scared those criminals straight. So that kids like you wouldn’t have to live in fear. Or dress up in ridiculous outfits!
(At this, Jade jumps in, wearing a haphazard costume, mostly made form torn up garbage bags. She holds a garden rake!)
J: Alright big bro!
B: I can see your point.
J: C’mon!
B: I… I don’t want to fight anymore.
J: Who said anything about fighting? Don’t you know who this is? It’s Amazing Girl and Wonderful Man! If your really want to be a hero, these are the guys to learn from!
B: What??
E: He’s really not that bright, is he?
J: Nope.
G: Sorry kids, but we’re retired.
B: Why? Why did you retire?
J: Yeah, you guys were awesome! And then one day, you just disappeared.
(Ethel looks at “Gerald”. He stands and sighs)
G: Five years ago, it was mother’s day. Amazing Girl and I had pretty much beaten all the crime there was to beat. I had stayed up a whole week trying to figure out the perfect gift for my mother, who had given us our powers. She was a great scientist you know. I figured I could make her proud by showing her a great feat of science. My super brain came up with the perfect ploy- A statue of her, charged with a device that would prevent birds from desecrating it. A simple scheme that pushed the away from the statue, repelling them softly, completely humane. Well, that proved so popular that soon every statue and monument in the world used it. And then, then they put it on the Eiffel tower, in Paris.
My calculations, they had been small scale. When my great device was used on the tower, it was too powerful. Every bird in the world was shot into space. And so I quit. Because you see, the final criminal was ME. The murderer of all the birds.
B: That sucks.
J: It really does.
E: Oh. That’s why they all disappeared. I though we quit because there were no criminals left.
G: That too.
***
J: Ya know, you’d think there would be some sort of great imbalance in the eco system and whatnot if all the birds just up and disappeared.
G: Well, I guess we got lucky.
B: You call that lucky?
G: I guess you’re right. Anyway, that’s why I have nothing to teach you. I don’t even know what I could teach you in the first place son.
B: Well, I just wanted to impress girls. I figured if I could be as awesome as you were, then that would totally do it.
G: There are so many things wrong with that idea that I don’t even know where to start.
E: And besides, the girls would be impressed with “Running Man”, not Billy.
J: They’d be impressed with Running Man and his fantastic sidekick “Gardening Girl”.
B: Really Jade you look ridiculous.
E: Don’t give her a hard time. I know someone myself who put on a costume to help out her big brother.
G: And all this because of a name.
E: Pardon?
G: Didn’t you ever wonder Ethel? Why I decided to be a super hero? When our mother gave us our powers, we could have done anything with them. I could have been an athlete, or a scientist or any matter of things. I was destined for greatness. But the great gift that mother gave me was balanced against the great wrong she had done to me as well. My name.
E: It’s not that bad.
G: Hey, you’ve never been crazy about “Ethel”
E: Yeah, it is a pretty ugly name.
G: And how could I choose any path to fame when my name would follow? No, I knew that my only choice would be something completely unconventional. How foolish I was to choose the path of the Super Hero. It’s nothing more then a bourgeois fairy tale.
B: Does that even make sense?
G: Shut up, I read it somewhere. But no, the secrecy of a super hero was needed. For who could look up to a man named “Gaylord”?
(Billy and Jade look at him)
J: I thought my name sucked.
B: Billy is an okay name.
G: You see? And for that name, the birds paid the ultimate price.
J: Well why don’t you do something about it?
G: What?
B: Yeah, you and Amazing Girl had all sorts of adventures in space. Why not fly out there, find the birds and use all that crazy science in your brain to clone them or something? I mean, you guys stopped all the crime in the world. Bringing birds, you could do that on your spare time over a weekend.
G: You know what? Maybe you’re right.
E: We haven’t tried that yet, it just might work.
G: Thank you son, you’ve led me back onto the right path. How ever can I thank you?
B: Well, you could clean up all this breadcrumb mess.
J: I’ve got a garden rake!
(Gerald smiles, takes the rake and begins to gather the breadcrumbs. Ethel gives a little laugh. Jade and Billy step forward.)
J: Well Running Man, it looks like we saved the day once again.
B: Of course we did Gardening Girl. That’s what superheroes do!
(“Gerald”, a middle aged man – out of shape and more or less burnt out – sits on a park bench. He holds a bag of bread crumbs and throws them haphazardly onto the ground. Billy, a young man wearing a suspiciously cumbersome trench coat wanders around. He spots “Gerald” and carefully observes him.)
B: Do I know you?
G: (After a long penetrating glare) Don’t know where you’d get that idea.
B: Right. Okay. Just, uh, checking.
G: Right.
(Billy stands, unable to think of how to continue. “Gerald” throws some more bread crumbs. There’s quite a mess by this point.)
B: You know, you should really stop that.
G: Stop what?
B: What you’re doing. With the – what is that anyway?
G: Breadcrumbs.
B: Right, breadcrumbs. Uh, yeah. Please stop. You’re making a mess. That’s litter.
G: Is it now?
B: Yeah, it is. Please stop, before I have to, uh…
G: What will you have to do?
B: (He takes a moment to gather himself) Something we’ll both regret. Don’t push me old man!
G: (Another stage. Billy’s bravado drops) First of all, I’m not an old man. I’m 43. I’ve got decades left. Secondly, it’s not litter. I’m feeding the birds.
(“Gerald” returns to sprinkling his crumbs. Billy looks around.)
B: There aren’t any birds.
G: There will be.
B: There haven’t been any birds since
G: You don’t understand son. There will be birds. Eventually.
B: Right. Well, why don’t you just hold off with the mess there until they show up. Because you’ve really made a mess now and I can’t just ignore it.
G: Why would that be?
B: Because I have a responsibility to this park.
G: Is that so.
B: Yes it is.
G: Don’t you have anything better to do?
B: Well – uh – no.
G: You’ve got this whole park and there is NOTHING for you to do other then bother an old man who just wants to be left alone?
B: You just said that you weren’t an old –
G: I come here for a little peace and quiet and instead I get harassed because some little punk thinks I’m littering. Litter! And that’s the best you’ve got to do! Why don’t you just – I don’t know – go play on the swings or something?
B: Littering is a CRIME.
(At this last word “Gerald” gives Billy the ultimate stare down. Something is boiling inside him)
G: A crime? A CRIME???
(The throws his bag of breadcrumbs a Billy, rising to deliver his impassioned harangue)
G: Don’t talk to me about crime! I know everything there is to know! And if there’s anything you need to know it is that I would never commit a crime in a million years! I took a vow many years ago, a vow that I have never broken, a vow to defend the innocent, to protect the weak and to punish all evil doers! With my right hand I carried a million babies from burning homes and with my left I valiantly smote a million arsonists! With my right leg I kicked and toppled down a billion despots and with my left I saved a zillion galaxies by punting them away form harm! One of my eyelashes has stopped more “crime” then you’ve ever seen or are likely to see in your whole life! And that’s AMAZINGLY unlikely because of ME! For I am the fantastic, the might and awesome-
(Billy, who has been in shock since being hit by the breadcrumbs lets out a yell as he throws off his trench coat to reveal his outfit: Wrist bands, short shorts, a pair of beat up running shows and a jersey with the letters “RM” on the front. He quickly puts on a sweatband on his head and raises a water bottle)
B: ASSUALT!
(He quickly chugs back the water, and pulls out an MP3 player which he attaches to his armband and puts a pair of ear buds in his ears. He quickly beings running in the spot, “faking” several attacks on “Gerald”)
G: What the hell do you think you’re-
B: Villain, prepare to meet your doom! For today, today you have met RUNNING MAN!
G: Sweet Jesu-
B: I warned you, but you didn’t listen! Well, now you have to face my wrath! Prepare for a marathon beating!
(“Gerald” casually stands, brushes himself off, ignoring Billy’s increasingly frantic feints. He flicks Billy, who tumbles wildly offstage.)
B: Owwww!
Woman’s Voice: Was that really necessary?
(“Gerald” turns around as Ethel enters, a middle aged woman who is more or less his female counterpart physically. She shakes her head with disapproval.)
E: You could have killed the poor kid you know.
G: But I didn’t.
E: No, you didn’t did you.
G: I still follow my vow Ethel.
E: I know Ga-
G: Gerald.
E: Alright then. Gerald, I know that’s still important to you. What about the part that says “defend the innocent”?
G: He was being a jerk.
E: Really.
G: I was just trying to feed the birds.
E: Not that again! And what about protecting the weak? That kid didn’t deserve that “Gerald”, and you know it.
G: I guess you’re right.
(A young girl, Jade, in her teens, enters. She looks younger then she is and wears tomboyish clothes. She looks around for somebody.)
J: Billy! Billy? (She spots Ethel and “Gerald”) Hey, have you guys seen my brother?
G: That depends. Does your brother look like he dressed himself from a “Running Room” in the 70s?
J: That’s totally him.
G: I think he’s passed out by the tree over there.
J: Thanks man! (She sprints off)
E: Listen, we should probably get back home. We’re not exactly unknown and with you tossing people left and right…
G: No way. I came here to feed the birds and that is just what I’m going to do.
E: Great. Well, you just let me know how that turns out for you. (She goes to leave)
G: Wait! … I could use the company.
E: Alright. (She sits) You know, those breadcrumbs were for stuffing.
G: The birds need it more.
E: Do they now.
G: It’s a peace offering.
E: Why do you need to make a peace offering?
G: Because I made a mistake. It was wrong of me, and I want to make up for it.
E: And are you going to make things up to that kid?
G: He was really being annoying.
E: That’s an awful excuse and you know it.
G: I guess so. Still, what do you want me to do?
E: I can think of a few things. Anyway, here he comes so think fast.
(Jade and Billy re-enter, Jade holding up her brother. Billy looks pretty messed up.)
B: Get out of here Jade, I need to handle this on my own. Running Man fights his own fights!
J: I’m sure it was all just a misunderstanding, limping man.
B: This old guy needs to learn that litter isn’t a victimless crime! And I’m going to teach him that lesson! Lady, get out of the way.
E: Calm down son.
J: Wait a sec. Are you… And you! Oh- ohmigod! Billy, this guys just flicked you all the way to the other side of the field, right?
B: A lucky shot! Musta, uh, been really strong wind or something.
J: Billy you’re such an idiot. Wait right here! (She runs off)
G: Where is she going?
B: She knows when there’s going to be a rumble. Now old man, we finish this.
E: Hold up there cowboy. Mind if I ask was the getup is for?
B: I’m… I’m a super hero. Duh.
G: And what are your powers?
B: I can… uh… Listen, Batman didn’t need powers!
E: So you run around the park, protecting it from crime, with no powers.
B: Uh. More of less.
E: How’s that worked out for you?
B: Well, not so hot. I mean, in order to get the drop on bad guys, I need to wear that coat and it gets SO hot. And after months or wandering around the park with no crime… I guess I got a little carried away.
G: A little?
B: But I wanted to fight crime so bad! I want to be a hero! But there’s just no crime anymore.
E: Oh, we know.
G: You know why that is son? Because a little duo called Wonderful Man and Amazing Girl fought crime for 15 years and finally scared those criminals straight. So that kids like you wouldn’t have to live in fear. Or dress up in ridiculous outfits!
(At this, Jade jumps in, wearing a haphazard costume, mostly made form torn up garbage bags. She holds a garden rake!)
J: Alright big bro!
B: I can see your point.
J: C’mon!
B: I… I don’t want to fight anymore.
J: Who said anything about fighting? Don’t you know who this is? It’s Amazing Girl and Wonderful Man! If your really want to be a hero, these are the guys to learn from!
B: What??
E: He’s really not that bright, is he?
J: Nope.
G: Sorry kids, but we’re retired.
B: Why? Why did you retire?
J: Yeah, you guys were awesome! And then one day, you just disappeared.
(Ethel looks at “Gerald”. He stands and sighs)
G: Five years ago, it was mother’s day. Amazing Girl and I had pretty much beaten all the crime there was to beat. I had stayed up a whole week trying to figure out the perfect gift for my mother, who had given us our powers. She was a great scientist you know. I figured I could make her proud by showing her a great feat of science. My super brain came up with the perfect ploy- A statue of her, charged with a device that would prevent birds from desecrating it. A simple scheme that pushed the away from the statue, repelling them softly, completely humane. Well, that proved so popular that soon every statue and monument in the world used it. And then, then they put it on the Eiffel tower, in Paris.
My calculations, they had been small scale. When my great device was used on the tower, it was too powerful. Every bird in the world was shot into space. And so I quit. Because you see, the final criminal was ME. The murderer of all the birds.
B: That sucks.
J: It really does.
E: Oh. That’s why they all disappeared. I though we quit because there were no criminals left.
G: That too.
***
J: Ya know, you’d think there would be some sort of great imbalance in the eco system and whatnot if all the birds just up and disappeared.
G: Well, I guess we got lucky.
B: You call that lucky?
G: I guess you’re right. Anyway, that’s why I have nothing to teach you. I don’t even know what I could teach you in the first place son.
B: Well, I just wanted to impress girls. I figured if I could be as awesome as you were, then that would totally do it.
G: There are so many things wrong with that idea that I don’t even know where to start.
E: And besides, the girls would be impressed with “Running Man”, not Billy.
J: They’d be impressed with Running Man and his fantastic sidekick “Gardening Girl”.
B: Really Jade you look ridiculous.
E: Don’t give her a hard time. I know someone myself who put on a costume to help out her big brother.
G: And all this because of a name.
E: Pardon?
G: Didn’t you ever wonder Ethel? Why I decided to be a super hero? When our mother gave us our powers, we could have done anything with them. I could have been an athlete, or a scientist or any matter of things. I was destined for greatness. But the great gift that mother gave me was balanced against the great wrong she had done to me as well. My name.
E: It’s not that bad.
G: Hey, you’ve never been crazy about “Ethel”
E: Yeah, it is a pretty ugly name.
G: And how could I choose any path to fame when my name would follow? No, I knew that my only choice would be something completely unconventional. How foolish I was to choose the path of the Super Hero. It’s nothing more then a bourgeois fairy tale.
B: Does that even make sense?
G: Shut up, I read it somewhere. But no, the secrecy of a super hero was needed. For who could look up to a man named “Gaylord”?
(Billy and Jade look at him)
J: I thought my name sucked.
B: Billy is an okay name.
G: You see? And for that name, the birds paid the ultimate price.
J: Well why don’t you do something about it?
G: What?
B: Yeah, you and Amazing Girl had all sorts of adventures in space. Why not fly out there, find the birds and use all that crazy science in your brain to clone them or something? I mean, you guys stopped all the crime in the world. Bringing birds, you could do that on your spare time over a weekend.
G: You know what? Maybe you’re right.
E: We haven’t tried that yet, it just might work.
G: Thank you son, you’ve led me back onto the right path. How ever can I thank you?
B: Well, you could clean up all this breadcrumb mess.
J: I’ve got a garden rake!
(Gerald smiles, takes the rake and begins to gather the breadcrumbs. Ethel gives a little laugh. Jade and Billy step forward.)
J: Well Running Man, it looks like we saved the day once again.
B: Of course we did Gardening Girl. That’s what superheroes do!